From Abstinence To Absinth – The Sex Life of A Military Housewife

If you have ever pondered the life of a military spouse and then stopped and then pondered some more. Then poured a glass of wine while you’re cooking and pondering. Leaning against the kitchen counter waiting for the kettle to boil for the Bisto gravy, you must have pondered about the sex life of a military housewife whose husband is away/ abroad/ AWOL.

What fills that gaping hole *ahem* (Cringe) in their lives? What do we do to while away the twilight hours?

Soooo, while you are having passionate, frequent, spontaneous sex with your partner, here’s what I am up to. Or not up to. As it seems. *

1. Bed time normally happens before the light truly fades from the skies. It is a glorious luxury knowing that you have all of those hours in front of you to just lie there. This novelty wears off around day four.
2. Wine.
3. A spaghetti bolognese sandwich is an appropriate midnight snack.
4. I will pick at a toenail, only to glance down and recoil in horror at their state, this will then entail throwing back the duvet and lugging armfuls of nail polish remover, cotton buds, cotton balls, nails files, pumice stones, moisturisers, dried out, cracking gloopy nail polishes to the centre of the bed for an annual throw down.
5. Watch every episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
6. Watch QVC. And really get into it. I mean REALLY get into it. Nodding away at what the presenters are saying, my finger hovering above the dial pad, checking the last 3 digits on the back of my card. 
7. Have a bath that is too hot. Lie sideways in it with my legs hanging attractively over the side. Look despairingly at my tummy.
8. Attempt to hone a craft. Candle making. Over order on the soya candle wax and scrabble to find 800 jam jars/ shot glasses/ cereal bowls for 5 litres of melted wax. 
9. Having watched Legally Blonde very late at night and feeling empowered and feminist, order a designer power suit online. Even though all I have had to wear for the past year is wellies thanks to our current posting. In. The. Middle. Of. Nowhere.
10. Scratch the back of my neck for the 1264974538567th time and begin googling the cause of my demise.
11. Fiddle around my bedside table for a forgotten Ferrer Rocher/ chewing gum/ paracetamol. Anything to break up the monotony of the evening.
12. Desperation will often allow me to iron socks and pillow cases.
13. Get overly excited about my freedom and order pizza, chicken wings, fries and coleslaw. Eat it all.
14. Feel slightly concerned when even my pyjama bottoms feel a little tight.
15. Take them off. Leave my socks on.
16. See how long I can grow my leg hair.
17. See how much water I can drink in one evening.
18. Wonder if, perhaps, He hasn’t actually gone on deployment, but in fact, has whisked his mistress off to Tenerife.
19. Ponder this while downstairs in socks, knickers and an oversized t-shirt mixing a rum and coke.
20. Lie in bed and do butt clenches. 63 of them.
21. Register to sell a lot of stuff on eBay. Unsuccessfully.
22. Scroll though motivational quotes online, screen shotting the best ones to text to loved ones.
23. Wonder if I feel like having sex. I don’t.
24. Wonder if I should worry about not feeling like I want to have sex. I don’t.
25. Scour RightMove for international properties that I’ll snap up when I’m wearing my designer power suit.
26. Google ‘Toddler activities for a rainy day’
27. Sign up for Kindle audio books and then promptly forget that I have.
28. Contemplate self pleasure. Discover I have a headache.
29. Starfish.
30. Decide that I would quite like to study for a degree in psychology.
31.  Research study options.
32. Ummm and ahhh over the £20 000.00 price tag.
33. Decide I would probably like to open my practice in New York.
34. Somewhere over looking Central Park.
35. Open a bottle of Prosecco, because I am an ambitious, power suited, hairy-legged potential psychologist with a Kindle audio contract.
36. And also it is Tuesday.
37. Remember that I left my Kindle charger in a hotel a few months back.
38. Get quite tipsy on Prosecco and power and bid on a crystal decanter set on eBay. Wake up to find that I’ve won it. At least I hadn’t paid for the Psycology degree.
39. Email the seller of the crystal decanter set and plead guilty to Prosecco Purchasing.
40. Check the toddlers monitor is definitely working for the nth time.
41. Turn the heating on and blissfully forget about it.
42. Put on some jazz music and cook a meal that doesn’t involve defrosting turkey dinosaurs and steaming broccoli.
43. Leave the washing up until the next morning.
44. Change my mind and do the washing up. And steam clean the oven. And move the fridge to clean behind it. And bleach the sink. And get all of the breakfast things out for the next morning.
45. Keep the water jug next to my side of the bed instead of the neutral wash stand.
46. YouTube Grime music for ten minutes. Feel enlightened/ worried.
47. Buy some sexy lingerie online.
48. Feel rather sexy having done that.
49. Take a rudey nudey selfie in the bedroom mirror.
50. Decide to send the lingerie back and order some Spanx
51. Affectionately pat my hairy legs before shaving them.
52. Download the “My Fitness Pal” app.
53. Do twenty sit-ups while watching Family Guy.
54. Spy a Ferrero Rocher under the bed.
55. Eat it.
56. Then eat three slices of toast, a satsuma and a bowl of cornflakes.
57. Do another thirteen sit-ups.
58. Apply a lot of make up at 22:30 to Face Time Him. Because thats normal.
59. Look for signs thats he’s in Tenerife.
60. Consider removing make-up. Tomorrow.
61. Re-organise the linen cupboard.
62. Contemplate having a second child.
63. Check SkyScanner.com to see how much it would cost to fly a family of four abroad on holiday.
64. Set a reminder to repeat current contraception.
65. Watch 43 minutes of Fifty Shades of Grey.
66. Feel confused.
67. Think about sex.
68. Text Him to tell him.
69. Take a suggestive photo of ‘not my face’.
70. Edit it. A lot.
71. Send it to Him. Feeling smug. I’m still cool.
72. Take out previously purchased sexy lingerie from its packaging.
73. Take another selfie of ‘not my face’ wearing the sexy lingerie.
74. Editing is not going to help.
75. Re-package and slap on the ‘Returns’ label.
76. Pluck my eyebrows.
77. Read the Daily Mails tabloid column.
78. Feel dirty. Say a Hail Mary.
79. Ponder my belief in Angels and spirit guides.
80. YouTube some inspirational videos on Angels and Spirit guides.
81. Click on a link that advertises Angel Card readings.
82. Get side tracked by a pop up and complete my online grocery shop with a 10% off voucher.
83. Realise regretfully, in the lingerie aftermath of shame, that all I have purchased is fruit, vegetables and Quinoa.
84. In my head try and pronounce it properly. Keen-Wa.
85. Do seventeen sit ups.
86. Gin and Tonic.
87. E-mail my grandparents.
88. Make a list of names for a potential second child.
89. Feel guilty that I forgot Dog was still outside in the garden.
90. Calculate how many (not) realistically pounds I can lose before He returns.
91. Eat the chocolate digestives. All of them. To remove any temptation from the diet starting the next day.
92. Look through unpacked boxes for gym-style work out gear.
93. Find some wrinkled, faded maternity leggings.
94. Shrug. They’ll do.
95. Look through photos from when our child was born. Feel broody.
96. Wish I could have sex to conceive.
97. He better not be in Tenerife. With his lover, Shirley, and her three kids; Shane, Louise and Bennet.
98. Pour a Baileys over ice.
99. Put a garlic loaf in the oven.
100. Drink a litre of water.
101. Go to the loo for a wee and then weigh myself.
102. Scroll through images of bikini clad celebrities and finish the garlic bread.
103. Binge watch every movie Julia Roberts has ever been in.
104. Expedia flights to San Fransisco and New York.
105. Watch QVC for the second time in my life. Almost buy a crimpolene blouson.
106. Run a bath, light all 800 candles, YouTube day spa music.
107. Pretend to meditate.
108. Eat the cucumber slices meant for my eyes.
109. Scroll Pinterest for healthy meal plans.
110. Pin 138 pictures of American style kitchens.
111. Remember to put Toilet Duck, Mayonnaise and Dog’s Dentastix on the next grocery list.
112. Change the bedding in anticipation of his return later that night. He better not be tanned. Or smelling of Piz Buin.
113. There better not be sand and a cocktail umbrella at the bottom of his suitcase.
114. Poke my lady area for signs of life and imagine the Microsoft Windows re-boot music playing.
115. Look around in disgust at his kit strewn through every room in the house and the huge puddles he has left from the bathroom to our bedroom.
116. Look in admiration as He slides a long stiff package from his bulging pyjama trousers.
117. Shiver with the excitement.
118. Have sex knowing that I have a tax and duty free size Toblerone on my bedside table. That should keep the passion alive.

*All activities are performed in a safe environment. No Toddlers or Dogs were harmed in any way. All empty bottles were taken to the recycling depot. Before Christmas. Okay, before New Year.

Until next time.

xoxo